Beauty Evolution Short

The cloud that hangs over me

For some time now on Friday nights I feel a wave of sadness, anger, depression fall onto me. It has been pointed out to me by the ones I love so much. They are the ones that gave it the cloud moniker. I knew it was there I just did not catch on to the schedule of it all. I am trying to understand it, but the thing is I have always even as a child been a moody person. I was often called a grump as a little girl and that only made me more angry. In some ways I am comfortable with these moods - it is just hard when I know that it effects others. I used to not care about that part, but now I do. I can not really however, explain why it is there. As a kid my home life was often volatile and I can understand why then I was a sad/mad little being. As a teenager, well come on - no explanation necessary. Hormones, peer judgement, shyness, and on and on. But now, I am at such a wonderful time in my life. I am married to my most favorite person in the world who makes me smile and laugh every day - even on the stormy days. We just bought our first home together and love, love, love it. But still I get this sadness, this heavy feeling of doom. Of course I could go to a shrink and get antidepressants, but I do not want to. I know that part of it is lack of a grand purpose in life. My job is not how I want to be defined - but it is where I am at. I know that this depression has played a part in where I have ended up. My mind has often worked against me. Self doubt, sorrow, futility - these are not exactly the greatest sources of inspiration. But they can be. Can't they? There are plenty of successful people who have depression, anxiety, shyness - but they have not let it stop them. I don't know where I am going with this other than to get it out. It seems like it has been more often and more restrictive lately. I just can not motivate. I can't find focus. It worries me at times and then again it is like a season to me. It comes and goes. There is good and bad to it. It definitely is easier to feel this way in the winter. People tend to hole up more and my reclusiveness does not seem so noticeable. It doesn't really 'go' with summer. People are happy and excited to play in the sun. I am hot and irritable and my skin burns and I feel so fucking moody. And I can't explain it. It is not personal. It is not the company I keep it is the company they keep. Part of me is a crotchedy old sour puss. Yes, I want it to be different. I want to be positive and energetic and focused. I want to contribute to the world. Getting back to this blog is part of my self medication. I know what I need. Part of that is a need to fight thru the heavy heavy malaise and just get 'it' out. My hope is that with some practice of just doing this that I will be able to get out my good ideas. The ones that I have pushed back, because I just don't feel them - I just don't feel strong enough to make them real - I just don't feel strong enough to commit to them. Yet. Even while having these feelings I am an optimist. I have known myself in better times, I can dream of a better version of me, so I know this is not futile. There is a way out.