agent of chance

Don't Stop Believing

2009-06-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

This blog is pretty much all youtube stuff now and for now I am ok with that because there is stuff like this video out there to share. So much awesomeness. I love this song and I love these kids!!

Just say not to those tight black hipster pants. And giggle.

2009-06-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

I love around the 50-54 second mark.

Biking in the City

2009-05-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

You may not know it but I belong to a gang. A bicycling gang and we are XTREME. And that means safety first which means wearing our helmets. Also, when making the XTREME hand sign (arms crossed to make an X) do it very quickly and grab back on to the handle bars, cause whoa, balancing is not easy yo! Another thing we do not do is yell "ON YOUR RIGHT!!" or "WATCH OUT WATCH OUT" when passing pedestrians and small children who are enjoying a day at the park, because it just seems rude you know? We prefer to give an enthusiastic wave and a slightly nasasly Hiii!! The whole helmet thing bugs me though, as #1 it gets hot and #2 it looks and feels pretty dorky. OK, truthfully vanity rules, so switch the order of the two. Anyway, I saw this clip of the police in Denmark trying to stress the importance of a helmet and thought it was a cool campaign. And it really is important to protect that little noggin of yours.

TILT

2009-05-14T12:27:00.000-07:00

Yet another post containing link love. Just more stuff I viewed and enjoyed this week while floating around the Internets(like the photo above.) I should probably have more interesting stuff about my thoughts, my life or creative projects to write about, but meh. I am just in a transition phase, working out on a regular basis - new to me, but I am really liking it. Sweaty, sweaty, sweat - it makes my skin feel soft, which is great but let me see some leans lines please! Just mourning the Mavericks loss, but only a little teeny tiny bit, because I can no longer emotionally invest in a sports team, tried it in 2006 and it sucked. Psyching up for a road trip up the 1 with my awesome friends - which includes my husband. He is so awesome and so kissable. OK, so here is what I found to be worth clicking on this week:

Fantastic and beautiful footage of a wave.

I have never given pole dancing much thought, but this girl is really just incredible and makes me wanna. The 1:45ish mark is just so cool.

Oh, and this is cute:

And then, this girl is beautiful - leads an interesting life in the woods and is a great photographer:

Pow!

2009-05-08T14:52:00.001-07:00

My favorite image of the week thanks to The Ginger and Kanye. Photo by: Andrey Razumovsky

Incredible

2009-04-15T18:14:00.000-07:00

This is an amazing video of a Scottish lady on the Brit's version of American Idol. She lives alone with her cat in a small village, never been kissed or even on a date. Turn it up!

This is pretty cool.

2009-04-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

2009-03-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

I am not sure who to credit the photo to or where this was taken. But I love the idea. Can it just be so easy?? I think we can let go of repetitive responses that we keep thinking are our natural selves and personality, because we do have a choice in how we respond to things - even if we choose something completely different than what we know and it takes time to 'retrain' ourselves, it can be done. And this carefree idea and it's proof of the company of others who have burdensome fears they want to release gives me a nice child like hope about it.

2009-03-18T08:49:00.001-07:00

“You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?”

2009-01-09T12:55:00.001-08:00

I just made a purchase on-line. One poncho - Clint Eastwood style. Because I left my favorite (and only) white poncho in Colorado last year and I miss it so. I love the poncho, it is like wearing a blanket, but cool yo. The second part of my on-line shopping spree is one 7-pack of wind up owls. Internet, I love you. These little gems of our glorious capitalistic world are my reward for making it through this week at work with a bastard of a boogery cold.

Now I realize this is pretty much in direct contrast with my last post, however this is not the norm for me. I am not a shopper. I pretty much hate shopping. The mall or stores make me feel claustrophobic. On-line shopping I rarely do because of doubt and getting side tracked. I never think I can trust on-line purchases, so I only go through the entire check out process if I have a gut feeling that 'the thing' is just perfect and nothing out there can beat the price or uniqueness. The poncho I found by utter random chance yesterday for $30, but I could not commit. I checked it again today. It was lowered to $14.99. That was my sign, it was meant to be. My lucky poncho!! Do you know how hard it is to find a poncho? Just try it. They are either ugly or one million dollars. But the good ones, they are worth it - and the word is also fun to say. Poncho! Sounds so freaking cute and optimistic. Poncho! As for the contradictory posts, well such is life and that is pretty much standard me. I am a flipflopper of a liver of life and ideas. Huh? Yeah, whatever, yer mom. Anyway, the giving idea for Christmas however, ended up working out really well and I intend to continue giving what I can: time, money, a letter or a latte when it is right. But today, I started with myself. As for the owls? Total impulse. Under 10 bucks and I think I know somebody who is going to learn to love them...TBA...

Would you do this for your friend?

2008-12-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

This heart breaking and yet inspiring video just has me so upset. I knew it would. I love animals so much. I love plants and all living things. One of my favorite things in the world is to come home to my animals. There is so much exuberance and excitement and utter joy. They are truly happy to see me. And God it feels wonderful. I once joked with a friend how fun/funny it would be if we greeted eachother as dogs do. Jumping up and down, whining, sniffing, touching. Aaahh. But, alas, we do not. I have never doubted that animals have feelings, that they can both give and feel love. I feel it, see it and experience every day. If that makes me a flake in some peoples eyes so be it. I think there seems to be a little coldness in many people who are not animal lovers. It makes me sad when I see kids who fear dogs solely because they are unfamiliar or they have been taught to fear them. And I have felt for some time that homes without any animals have this sterility to them - they lack the whimsical energy that animals bring. It has been said one zillion times that animals don't judge or care what you say or what you give them for dinner. They are greatful and content to have your company (so long as you are not a dog kicking asshole - but even then, some of them forgive that.) The older I get the more greatful I am for the time spent with animals. And so this year E. and I were talking about what we would like for Christmas and we both agreed we wanted a gift in our name to a charity. And so when I was asked at a family gathering this year and I answered the question, I said a donation to the SPCA. And I was met with silence and dismissal as if I had not even spoken. Which sucked. But, it is truly what I wanted. And today seeing this video it is even more true. My heart aches seeing dogs and cats in streets or tied up and lonely on a chain. I know there are a lot of problems in the world right now. The economy sucks, there are wars and poverty, a man was killed because people were in a frenzy to buy some cheap ass shit. But, the thing is these are all man made problems. And there is PLENTY of focus on solving these issues. Well the economy any way. I feel that all life is connected. That when we ignore or hurt the other living organisms on this earth we are actually doing the same to ourselves, to our homes and our family that has no voice that we can understand. And so this year while I have plenty of love to give my family and friends any exchange of gifts/money I would like to go to some dog or cat lonely in shelter somewhere to help get a dog off the street. For they can't ask for themselves. They depend on our kindness and willingness to shepherd the earth in some thoughtful way. I would like to make this season more about giving of self as this dog did for another, as the people went speeding by in their oblivious hurry to I don't know where.

Some gems from the web for Friday

2008-11-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

Found via riotclitshave.livejournal.com - She always finds the best pictures.

Awwwww.

These guys are taking Free Range to the Extreme!

And this commercial from Kotex. Which reminds me I need to spend some quality time with the meow meow.

The President of the United States of America. I am overjoyed!

2008-11-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

2008-07-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

How utterly gorgeous is this? I truly enjoy being a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl for the most part. I love the simplicity of it. But, this truly inspires me to play a bit more. I used too and actually a few weeks back I did do a little face painting (besides my uniform eyeliner, mascara etc.) Which was really a lot of fun.

But, wow. These woman have made them selves intow works of art beyond compare. It is natural and extravagant all at once. If you would like to see more of these, go here.

It's on me

2008-07-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

This past winter I was in the very bad habit of going to Starbucks every work day. Many times, it was cold and I was lazy and I even went through the drive-thru. I felt a bit guilty for this, but then I tend to have feelings of guilt over a number of things. Why, I am trying to figure out, as I was not raised with any formal religion- a couple of which are associated with those feelings of guilt. I guess, it is just knowing deep down that I am kind of going against my true desire at the deepest level, which is to be utterly clean and healthy and environmentally responsible and not such a freaking consumer. But, alas sometimes- make that most of the times my need for instant gratification speaks to me the loudest and quickest and so it gets listened to and fed first. Guilt be damned. So anyway, this one morning I was in the drive-thru listening to NPR and I noticed the woman in front of me had a nice Mercedes and her plate said that she was a Dallas judge. Hmm. Whatever, it was of no consequence, just an observation. I noticed she looked back at me in her mirror and she seemed pleasant, wearing just a small smile. And then she was off and it was my turn at the window. The barista told me that the woman had bought my latte. It totally shocked me. I didn't really believe it at first, but there it was. It was such a sweet gesture. One of those random acts of kindness that were encouraged via bumper stickers on hippie's cars in the 90s. Being on the receiving end of this was just so AWESOME! It gave me such a delight. To receive a gift is a wonderful thing but from a stranger at random is really rather special. I started out my day with a feeling of hope. And so I promised to 'Pay it Forward' as in the movie. And so I performed the very same act for an unsuspecting person the next day. She was behind me and was middle aged. She looked pretty sad. It could have been the morning, the age or her mood. But she did. As I slowly pulled away from the window, I saw her reaction as she got the news and she did a double take at the barista, shook her head in disbelief and just looked as happy as I felt. When I had told the girl at the window that I was buying, she too was excited and she vowed to do something similar for someone else as well. I drove off- happy tears filling up my eyes and just feeling this electric high. No guilt for being lazy or drinking caffeine, just giddy. I really recommend trying this somewhere, someway. Believe me it will be well worth the extra few bucks you spend on someone's lunch or whatever. Pay it forward. Spread the love!

Fruit is the Sexiest Food

2008-06-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

This needs to go on your to do list. Go find one of your favorite fruits at the market. Make sure it is perfect and ripe and juicy. Hopefully, you will have bought this at your local farmer's market and it is organic and in season. But, if it happens to be a lovely pineapple that has traveled oceans to end up nourishing you that is fine too.

When you have some time alone you will want to wash your fruit and prepare to eat it. You can always do this again later(hopefully many times) with a friend. But for now, just have an intimate meal for yourself alone. Before cutting or biting into it, see if you can smell it without bringing it close to your nose. That sweet beautiful smell is there to entice someone or something to eat it. Breathe it in. Bring the fruit closer to you. Really look at it. Look as closely as you can. Find the design that is there. Is it honeycombed or tiny beads? Gently touch the texture of the outside of your fruit. Feel its bumps or tiny hairs or gentle spikes or its lovely curves. This fruit will soon be inside of you, nourishing you, giving you the energy from the sun and the earth in the form of pulpy juicy vitamin packed sweetness. Smell it again as deeply as you can. Then give your fruit a kiss. Yes a sweet little kiss. Take a moment to be grateful to nature, to this fruit, to the magic that is life for allowing you this moment and this food. Now is the time to slice your fruit if that is the type you have and prepare it for eating. Take a small delicate bite of your fruit and then kiss the inside of the fruit. Rub a piece of it along your lips. The best lip gloss ever! Slowly chew and roll the fruit around your mouth. Let the juices run down your hands, your face - wherever they fall. Continue to really look at the fruit, closely. Remember fruit is the sexual part of plants. It is a little package of sex. It's purpose to be attractive and desirable and edible so that it is spread back out on to the earth to make more plants and more fruits. Eat until your hearts content. So yummy. So good for you. So fun and sensual. Relax. Repeat often.

Beauty Evolution Short

2007-08-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

The cloud that hangs over me

2007-08-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

For some time now on Friday nights I feel a wave of sadness, anger, depression fall onto me. It has been pointed out to me by the ones I love so much. They are the ones that gave it the cloud moniker. I knew it was there I just did not catch on to the schedule of it all. I am trying to understand it, but the thing is I have always even as a child been a moody person. I was often called a grump as a little girl and that only made me more angry. In some ways I am comfortable with these moods - it is just hard when I know that it effects others. I used to not care about that part, but now I do. I can not really however, explain why it is there. As a kid my home life was often volatile and I can understand why then I was a sad/mad little being. As a teenager, well come on - no explanation necessary. Hormones, peer judgement, shyness, and on and on. But now, I am at such a wonderful time in my life. I am married to my most favorite person in the world who makes me smile and laugh every day - even on the stormy days. We just bought our first home together and love, love, love it. But still I get this sadness, this heavy feeling of doom. Of course I could go to a shrink and get antidepressants, but I do not want to. I know that part of it is lack of a grand purpose in life. My job is not how I want to be defined - but it is where I am at. I know that this depression has played a part in where I have ended up. My mind has often worked against me. Self doubt, sorrow, futility - these are not exactly the greatest sources of inspiration. But they can be. Can't they? There are plenty of successful people who have depression, anxiety, shyness - but they have not let it stop them. I don't know where I am going with this other than to get it out. It seems like it has been more often and more restrictive lately. I just can not motivate. I can't find focus. It worries me at times and then again it is like a season to me. It comes and goes. There is good and bad to it. It definitely is easier to feel this way in the winter. People tend to hole up more and my reclusiveness does not seem so noticeable. It doesn't really 'go' with summer. People are happy and excited to play in the sun. I am hot and irritable and my skin burns and I feel so fucking moody. And I can't explain it. It is not personal. It is not the company I keep it is the company they keep. Part of me is a crotchedy old sour puss. Yes, I want it to be different. I want to be positive and energetic and focused. I want to contribute to the world. Getting back to this blog is part of my self medication. I know what I need. Part of that is a need to fight thru the heavy heavy malaise and just get 'it' out. My hope is that with some practice of just doing this that I will be able to get out my good ideas. The ones that I have pushed back, because I just don't feel them - I just don't feel strong enough to make them real - I just don't feel strong enough to commit to them. Yet. Even while having these feelings I am an optimist. I have known myself in better times, I can dream of a better version of me, so I know this is not futile. There is a way out.

Thoughts on the body

2007-07-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

There is a tingling in the back of my neck. It is numb, achy and tingly – all at once and it happened there gradually. All at once/gradually. Which is it? The messages the body sends, are they so mysterious? No, the body it will let you know, this needs to change or that needs to stop or that is great do it more and more. I believe it used to be a lot easier to ignore the feedback from the body, because youth made me defiant, strong, and amazingly fast at recuperation. Not only that, but my awareness of these sensations was a bit dim. At one time I just did not give them any attention really. Now, after living decades in this shell the messages are still (change as they may) there but they linger and they are often painful and lord help me with this monster of vanity that I own they are sometimes visible. But, the thing is they are mine and I have known what is good for me, what abuse I can put upon myself and still have the energy to laugh and work and play. Recently I went to the chiropractor after having been nudged to visit for sometime. I was reluctant and scared. I am not a fan of going to the doctor at all. I have not found much help there when I have sought it. But the chiropractor did help the pain in my neck. The numbness went away after the first visit. And the shortly before the second visit it was back. And then it was gone, but this means I have to keep going back. No thanks. The pain in my neck goes away after I exercise and stretch and then it comes back. It goes away after a walk and then at work it comes back. Some relief is free and some costs 21 dollars a pop. I think for me it is best to listen to the body and do what it asks. The visible signs (besides the obvious chub- its reasons for existence are no great secret) are beginning to show. So far I have been lucky about aging. But I notice myself furrowing or grimacing or sleeping for too long in one position and now the patterns of those habits have begun to surface upon my face. Frightening! But, for now I can still correct those habits when I am aware of them and sometimes those little lines aren’t there the next day. But they will be back wont they? The other messages? Headache = drink more water, Energy loss = drink more water and have some protein, Eating fresh ripe fruit = the feeling of internal sunshine lightness and sweet. Squats = utterly ugly modern movement but makes me feel strong and the pain is a good variety, Brisk walks and laughing until it hurts = that warming feeling of love and renewal and lines I can live with.

Best if used before the year 2008.

2007-07-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. You mean this blog does not have an expiration date? It does not get revoked for non-use? It has not been reported as abandoned? Indeed I have neglected it entirely for over a year. To the point where I had not a clue as to what my login was let alone my password. But a year of not one single entry? So what, really. It has bothered me for a while and then also I could care less. But now, I feel it is time to try again. I so enjoy reading other peoples musings and creations – why should I not again try my hand? It is an odd thing, but I need to purge some thoughts and others I would like to actually share. But it is hard to begin again. I am so good at quitting. Quitting things, ideas, people. I am very good at cutting the cords – and the reason need not be profound but sometimes it is. But writing, a skill I have longed to develop – well it will not be ignored anymore. I do not want to quit this. So, in this promise to myself alone, I will write on a regular basis. Even if it is horse shit and exposes me to be an utter bore. I will make an attempt.

Dango

2006-06-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

As I let the dogs in the house after their morning pee, the big white one smiled up at me. Hi! Oh, beautiful goofy girl look at you! I took the shirt I was holding and tickled her face. This sent her into a burst of running from one end of our tiny house to the other. Back and forth. Back and forth. She is fast and the concrete floors are slick and so in order to celebrate and not crash, she must tuck up her big body and sort of crouch down into a weird galloping ball. It is spastic and impressive at once. Thank you Dango Magnolia, what a wonderful way to start my day.

2006-04-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

One of the things that I miss about downtown Seattle is that it is so lively. There are so many characters, so many signs of life - real daily life, not just strictly business. In the last year or so Dallas has finally started to build up it's abandoned downtown. Adding new lofts and even a grocery store and of course the ubiquitous Starbucks. But, there is still a lack of invitations to browse. No flower shops, no street musicians, no hot dog vendors (although I think a taco vendor would be way better here) not even a lot of people just walking to get a lunch. It still has a ghost town feel to me. But, yesterday there were signs of hope. It was a beautiful spring day in the high 70's with a gentle breeze. A wonderful relief from the two frightening and record breaking 98-100 degree days just past - in April. Oof. Anyway during my lunch hour I walked to buy a frappuccino (1. i lived in Seattle for 10+ years 2. resistance is futile.) And behold! Little dog poops on the sidewalk! Gross, is of course the initial reaction one should have to excrement baking in the sun and I was disgusted mind you, but- this meant that some one was walking a little yappy thing - downtown - in Dallas! It is something so simple but so rare here that I was excited. Excited about poo. Happily, I continued my walk. As I was approaching the windows at Neiman Marcus, a BMW pulls up to park. Out steps a man in his 50's - neat graying hair, balding a bit. He was wearing a really nice navy suit. I scanned down and literally stopped in my tracks. He was wearing matching navy hose and sensible women's shoes with a low heel. Nothing more. Nothing less. No shorts, no skirt, NO PANTS. It was truly an unexpected sight. He was so professional from the waist up and so free and freaky from the waist down. It was just so odd to see such a conservative look with such an alternative look. But, I love him for being risque and he is a wonderful sign that down town Dallas is starting to mix a little pleasure in with it's business.

2006-02-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

This is brilliance. This is beautiful and I need to look at this photographer's work every day. I also need to write on this so called blog every day. However, I find that when I have something interesting to say, I feel this huge lazy cloud of procrastination ooze over me pushing all genius thoughts into fat pockets on my ass. Not good. Not good. Mind shrinking. Ass growing. I don't believe there is any money to be made on this venture. So fuck it. Back to looking at this fabulous art, it makes me feel cool just to have seen it.
http://www.gianfrancomeza.com/indices/18Recuenco.htm

The Beautiful Monster and Her Beautiful Monster Mama

2006-01-11T14:29:00.000-08:00

Get well soon Pita!!

2005-12-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

Saying goodbye to my little friend.

Yes, my dear little smokie, we had a grand ole' time this year. You were with me nearly every day. You soothed me on those gloomy days and sparked up the party when I was celebrating with Mr. Miller L. But, alas we must part for a while because our relationship has become unhealthy. We have become co-dependent. I need you rather than want you. You demand I pick you up even when I am really not feeling like it. We have run out of passion. We just sit there together wasting money and time. Sitting in our own stink. It is comfortable yes, but it is just not special anymore. And so for now I must insist we stop seeing each other. It will be difficult I know. I am going to miss you. I will probably lose sleep over it and may lash out at my husband and friends. I know you will try to beckon me as I drive past your hangouts like the boobiemobile, the Landing and 7-11. But, please leave me be for now. In time we may visit. Paris perhaps? Or at some fabulous gathering with old friends, and tons of food and wine. I do not know when - but until then, hasta luego mi cigarillo de amour. I will think of you often.

Texas Love

2005-10-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

Texas Love
Originally uploaded by lucesco.

I love this man.

AJ

2005-10-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

AJ
Originally uploaded by lucesco.

My wonderful friend.

me and aj

2005-10-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

me and aj
Originally uploaded by lucesco.

Inspiration revisited

2005-06-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

http://www.tonypierce.com/blog/2004/06/how-to-blog-by-tony-pierce-110-1.htm

2005-05-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Step. Step. Step in line. I am filling out forms, typing numbers, not asking questions. I am falling in line. Where is the circle, where is the life of chaos and spontaneity? It is here and just in my grasp, but I feel the soft comfort of fat building around my waist holding me in. So I step in line and buy buy buy a bigger size. The age of aging is upon me and I am bitter and do not want to stoop and become brittle and talk with the scorched voice of a bar hag. But, I step in line and buy my smokes, because I smoke. My habits increase without love they were fun, they felt good. They feel good sometimes still. But, I can not be still without the little habits that are making me old. I become distracted and irritable. Half awake, unaware, the sparkle in my eyes - where is it? Beers and more beers. They are starting to taste like soap, bubbles but no bread. Until I increase their numbers, each new day 1 more is what will make me zippy and funny and the spark in my eyes will be there when you light my cigarette. Now, I am all too bored with this. I will not lay down and die. I am turning around in a whirlwind, screaming like a banshee, clawing and kicking out to any offer of the mind numbing shit that I continue to consume. Get off of me habits, I am going to rise - pure, shiny, clear and vibrant.

just a rant

2005-02-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

The winter will soon be gone. And I know the brutal Texas summer will shortly follow the gentleness of spring. The gentleness mixed in with the cruelty. I have lately been very much aware of my potential for being cruel. Something I thought I had long abandoned from childhood. The irritations are seeming to accumulate. My patience my tolerance are no longer at the front of my demeanor. I find myself doing what I know is wrong spiritually. I do believe in a collective conscious and I feel mine is being over powered by the whole of you. Yes you humanity. I have always appreciated the dark side. Upon first site of a vampire in film, even though a child I felt the romantic longing – to understand the mysteries that are hidden from the monotony of daily life. The mysteries that are in each of us, the residuals of our ancestors who gnashed their teeth in defiance of sharing, the days when we growled at each other. I feel like growling at so many of you, wounding the stupid because I can no longer tolerate your pathetic presence. In my heart of hearts I know it is not completely your fault. Education is shit in America and generation after generation are becoming progressively worse the wear because of it. But, I just have no patience currently for people who can hardly speak or even formulate into bad english what they need to say. Ugh! I want mystery and intelligence. I want a roaring fire and dances and drums and acknowledgement of all of the life that surrounds us all while we ignore it or shit on it cover it with plastic and pavement. I want to be drunk and to smoke and to wear heavy eye makeup & spit in disgust at the assholes who are satisfied with a life of shopping and staring at the TV. Oh, where are the Sisters of Mercy and clove cigarettes when you need them. Gothic teenage pissiness I embrace thee.

Baudelaire & Cheers to You.

2005-01-13T11:38:00.000-08:00

Get Drunk

Always be drunk.
That's it!
The great imperative!
In order not to feel
Time's horrid fardel
bruise your shoulders,
grinding you into the earth,
Get drunk and stay that way.
On what?
On wine, poetry, virtue, whatever.
But get drunk.
And if you sometimes happen to wake up
on the porches of a palace,
in the green grass of a ditch,
in the dismal loneliness of your own room,
your drunkenness gone or disappearing,
ask the wind,
the wave,
the star,
the bird,
the clock,
ask everything that flees,
everything that groans
or rolls
or sings,
everything that speaks,
ask what time it is;
and the wind,
the wave,
the star,
the bird,
the clock
will answer you:
"Time to get drunk!
Don't be martyred slaves of Time,
Get drunk!
Stay drunk!
On wine, virtue, poetry, whatever!"

Charles Baudelaire

Visitation

2005-01-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

Although it appeared to be daytime, the world thought it was night. The winter haze made all the hours look the same. The snow that fell softly on my face melted as kisses - cold but not cruel. You flew down from the sky - filling all of my vision. My friend, I know it is you and yet I trembled in fear as you brushed my face with black feathers. So tenderly you fly across again, threatening to lash out, to fill the air with shrieks of rage and yet you land on my arm and I feel the power disguised in such a delicate shell. As I put you up in the tree as you morph again into another shape I cry for the beauty and the cruelty of your freedom.

list.

2005-01-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of random things about me.

I often experience what seems to be not really instant but very fast karma. For example, my boyfriend lost his fingernail from accidentally shutting it in the window. It grossed me out and I made fun of it's appearance and asked him to not get his gangrene on me. Jokingly. I flipped off our bulldog because he pissed me off. Seriously. This weekend I went to give the dog a bone and he bit my middle finger. I am now losing my fingernail and it is way more fucking disgusting than my boyfriends.
I am afraid of getting on and off of escalators. I get very nervous as I approach them and lose any sense of grace.
I use about 6 packets of Taco Bell sauce for one taco.
I hate the smell of leather. Leather with cologne and or cigarette smoke makes me want to puke.
I am currently smoking more and more instead of cutting back. But I don't smoke during the day - just at night & weekends but I do intend to quit.
I have the most interesting dreams, filled with adventure and beautiful or terrifying imagery. But I won't tell you about them, because of course that would bore you.
I am afraid I might become a cat collector lady one day.
I believe there is so much magic and mysterious wonderful things that are unseen and unknown simply because people are afraid of being embarrassed. I also believe people are taught (self or otherwise) to not see them by intoxication or over stimulation from music, tv, sex etc. While all of these things are absolutely fun -believe me I get my fair share of all of them, I do think the subtle energies found in quiet observance provide equally satisfying sensations.
To me a home without animals is too sterile and quiet.
I really don't like talking on the phone. I am not much of a talker in general.

New Year

2005-01-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

This new year's eve was spent with a small group of friends. We spent the evening around a fire pit having beer or vodka drinks. It was to be quiet and away from the crazy drunk people at the bars. But we became crazy drunk people and fight club broke out, which for us consists of playful but full strength wrestling - co-ed. I managed to escape with only a couple of rug burns and a large bruise on my arm. One of our friends (probably the baddest ass) ended up fracturing her foot. Shit! Good thing we avoided the crazies! Ha, of course two days later we discussed the fact that our little game should probably be left to young kids or professional wierdos who do not need to explain the injuries from a quiet new years eve amongst a small group of friends...

Body Mirage

2004-12-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

I found out over the weekend that I have the opposite of anorexia. I actually have been seeing myself thinner than I really am. Either that or all of the mirrors in Dallas are skinny carnival mirrors..I went home to visit family and although all of my clothes fit, the mirrors at various relatives homes, restaurants, etc. revealed that I look WIDER -- as in I did a double take wider - than I had been perceiving Dallas. Shit. Now, how distorted are the sizes I am buying in Dallas? Is my 8 or 10 really a 16 in Denver size??? I have pondered the concept of perception as reality and I understand that some people have dramatically different perceptions and visual ideas of the world -but this is not good. I need the evil Janice Dickinson to come in & call me a repulsive lifeless cow, either that or cut down on my beer and no exercise health regime, because apparently it is not working.